Friday, February 15, 2008

Matters of the heart

"I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren't pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us." -- A Little Princess
As you may have noticed, I ignored the topic of Valentine's Day. Even though I could lie and tell you that this is because I've been extremely busy lately and you would probably believe me (because I have been too busy these days), I'd rather divulge into a topic that I've never covered before. And that is love -- but I won't offer relationship advice or cute date ideas. Spare that for your best friends and Google, my lovelies.

Because I have a cheerleading competition this Saturday, I had cheerleading practice on Valentine's Day. I was expecting half of my cheer team to protest because they wanted to spend a romantic night with their significant others -- but alas, never underestimate one's commitment to cheerleading. Unfortunately, I also encountered about five of my team members tonight who had broken up with their boyfriends/girlfriends today. One girl's ex-boyfriend got extremely drunk and started crawling on top of half-naked girls. One girl sobbed through practice because her boyfriend was talking smack about her. One girl showed me her cuts -- caused by her ex-boyfriend when they were arguing.

I sat there listening to my teammate's problems, wishing that I could change things. I wished for a Valentine's Day without drama, a Valentine's Day where we could all spend time with the ones we love.

I gave hugs to my girl team mates, but I didn't say anything -- because broken hearts aren't healed with words.

I joked around with my gay friend, and told him that I would be his date tomorrow and get dressed up for it -- so that he could tell his ex-boyfriend that he went straight because of their relationship. He smiled a little and hugged me, but that wasn't going to heal his broken heart either.

After practice, I thought about Valentine's Day for me this year. I've been going through a lot of family problems lately that have been tearing at my spirit -- romantic love was the last thing on my mind. Yet, I recall last year vividly.

Last year, I spent three days making a Valentine's Day present for my (then) boyfriend. I was so excited about it -- I had spent weeks before asking my friends and strangers what I could make as the perfect Valentine's Day present for him. I bought 150 red chocolate kisses, and attached to every chocolate kiss was one unique reason why I loved him: "I love you because you always help me with my math homework even though I never pay attention because I just want to kiss you." "I love you because you have messy bedroom hair." And so on -- every cheesy thing you could ever think of. The chocolate kisses were then placed into a little tin pail filled with silk rose petals -- with an even more cheesier love letter attached. I actually rewrote this letter three times because I wanted it to be as heartfelt and truthful as possible.

On Valentine's Day 2007, he asked me if it was "okay" if he didn't get me anything -- even though I, being me, had hinted at the present I made for him for days. He could sense my disappointment after I replied with an "oh", so later that day he gave me a little box of chocolates from Safeway.

I went home and cried that night -- not because it was a bad Valentine's Day, but because I had expected a cute exchange of cheesy homemade gifts. Later, I found out that getting me something for Valentine's Day never crossed his mind because he was busy registering for college and forgot to tell me -- a college thousands of miles away.

I think my heart shattered at that moment, when the infinity of love became finite digits ticking away in time.

I haven't talked to this boy for quite a while now, and of course it's heartbreaking to know that you've lost your best friend and your first love. I've never had luck with best friends -- I thought this boy was the one. He was the only one I could confide to about how my family problems were chiseling away at my heart. It's one level to sorrow a boyfriend, it's another level to lose a best friend that meant the world to you.

I hope that all of you, my cutefaces, will always remember that you are a princess: a princess with infinite hopes and dreams who might make stupid decisions once in a while, but deserves a chance to prove that she can rule her own kingdom before her Prince Charming arrives.

And this is why I refrained from writing about Valentine's Day for such a long time. In spite of how "inspiring" or "admirable" I seem to some of you, I have a weakness: I have the best girl and guy friends in the world who I would never give up, and I have a wonderful life and a great future ahead of me. Yet, as I come home to a broken household that pretty clothes and good grades can't change, I think about how that boy's voice and a kiss goodnight from him would at least heal my tired spirit, if not my family.

I've been told I'm a very strong person, but my weaknesses are Achilles heels.

Please tell me anything that's been on your mind lately, whether it's about love, school, friends, faith -- anything. Let's be truthful, sweethearts. You know I love you.

ex.oh.ex.oh
Miss Couturable

P.S. Okay, my other weakness is facebook. I just reactivated my account two days ago.
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